​One year. Fifty two weeks. Three hundred and sixty five days without my dad. It is difficult to process how an entire year has passed without him. Of course we missed him on birthdays and holidays, but the deeper ache occurs from missing out on the random Tuesday evening phone calls, Friday night dinners, and hearing him complain about footballs refs. The simple and meaningless activities are what I long for the most. It is a daunting feeling to know that the years will pass by and I must continue on without him.

Over the past year, I have become intimately more aware of grief. Grief is an interesting, unpredictable, and sometimes isolated emotion to experience. The issue with grief is there is no guideline. Every single person grieves differently. My sister and I lost the exact same person but our grieving process is our own. Sometimes I wish there was a checklist, a way to move through stages toward a completion. But unfortunately there isn’t an end to grief.

Through all of my grief, my thoughts and beliefs have been challenged. I don’t believe that someone dies for something good to occur. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe that God only gives you what you can handle. And I definitely don’t believe that my dad dying was part of God’s plan. What I do believe is quite simple. We live in a sinful world and God is just as sad or even sadder than I am for losing my dad.

Even though this past year was difficult, it forced me to examine how I live my own life. I had two options, I could either live a life weighed down by my grief or I could take my grief and build something beautiful out of it. I chose the latter. I hope that I live life to its fullest. I hope that through my grief, I can be a light for others who are suffering and I hope that my life would bring a smile to my dad.

Grief is never ending as long as love is present. I know I will grieve my dad for as long as I live because I will love my dad for as long as I live.

Jesus can’t come soon enough.